Tips For Cheaters...
Tip #6
Keep a Spare Shirt in Your Office Or Car.
If you have the space, a spare set of pants is a good idea too. Lipstick on your collar is not your only enemy. There's eye shadow, blush, mascara, foundation, and perfume to worry about. It's also fashion wise for sloppy people. You never know when a pen is going to explode or coffee is going to fly out of a cup.
Be religious about having a spare set around. It's always better to wear a different shirt and invent an ink pen explosion than go home smelling like a perfume counter and looking like a modern art experiment.
If you think there's a chance she'll listen to you, ask your mistress not to wear perfume- say you're allergic or it reminds you of your mom. Above any of the dangers in Tip #6, perfume is by far the worst. The stuff is liquid death for any cheater- even if you wear different clothes. It sticks to your hair and one whisper is just as good as a written confession.
Tip #7
Condoms.
Nothing spells divorce quite like the letters STD. If your wife uses the pill you have to be very careful where you hide them. If she's a really good snoop, remember that many public washrooms have dispensers and have some spare change with you at all times.
Tip #8
Be Discrete Whenever You Can.
Always assume that people are watching and that someone could be following you. Separate cars, no usual haunts, no sucking face in the office, use a nickname (and not the one your wife calls you) for the notes on flowers to the girlfriend, and keep your stories simple.
The oldest standbys are still the best. Working late, working out at the gym, jogging (after all- you are getting exercise), and volunteer work are still good. The best are clubs with secret society rules- you know the groups we're talking about.
The only time you can afford to be less discrete is when you are out of town. That being said, take advantage of any opportunity that comes along that gets you out of town. Every out of town conference should have an affair to remember- she expects you to fuck around anyway.
Tip #9
Fuck Only Married Women
In general, married women are safer than single women. A married woman will not be demanding that you leave your wife for her and not be offended that you don't want to be seen together in public. However, remember she could still cave from guilt at any time and confess to her husband.
So, what have we learnt so far? Optimally, you want to fuck married women that live in different cities and don't know your wife. Impossible to find women like this and coordinate the encounters you say? Welcome to the wonderful world of computers.
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Tip #10
It's a Risk- You Can Get Caught.
Sometimes things happen that are beyond your control. The detective will have pictures or you'll get seen by your neighbour's friend's sister's husband entering a motel with a strange woman in a strange city and somehow it will get back to your wife. You will probably forget Tip #1 (Don't Be Your Own Worst Enemy) and confess everything. It happens to the best of us.
Here are some general guidelines that hopefully you won't forget if it happens to you:
- Stay calm
- It's better if it wasn't a long lasting affair- admit to as few sexual encounters as possible.
- Repeat the phrase "It was just sex, It was just sex, It was just sex" as many times as possible.
- Tell her she is a thousand times better in bed than the other girl.
- Unless there are pictures, never admit to going down on the other woman.
- Tell her you didn't confess earlier because you knew it would only hurt her (the truth).
- "I was very drunk- I thought she was you."
- Tell her it was a one time, "huge mistake," no matter how many times or how many women there were.
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